I haven’t written a Facebook post or a blog post about Batsheva’s passing. Mostly because I feel like a fraud – we were friendly, but not close friends, and who am I to mourn so publicly when so many of my friends were so much closer with her and have more ‘right’ to be sad.
However, after some incredibly brave friends of mine have written posts in the last 24 hours, I wanted to chime in and say this.
Me too. I too have suffered from depression. I too have found myself unable to get out of bed, unable to dress myself, unable to eat or drink. Me too. So many people are in this boat, and the more vocal we are about it, the more fellow sufferers may be able to get help instead of giving up hope.
I never thought it would happen to me. And neither did anyone else – the first reaction of people when I tell them I had a depressive episode is usually “But… you’re so… [insert adjective here: funny/happy/together].” But it did. And if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.
Without the help of a few special, dedicated and genuinely amazing friends, I would not have got through it. I don’t know what would have happened, where I would be now. Most people, and there is no blame intended here for I too would have done exactly the same before the depression, came over with some ice cream and a box of tissues. Once they saw that this wasn’t just ‘sad’ but was way more than that, they usually backed out the door as fast as they could. And I don’t blame them – it’s terrifying to see someone (especially someone who is usually so on top of her shit) sitting in bed, tears rolling down her face, wearing the same pyjamas as yesterday and the day before that, unable to stop crying or tell you why she is. Unable to ask for help.
One of my biggest fears about having a baby was post-natal depression. Any time I cry, or get a little down, my first thought is always, “What if it’s another episode?” I’m lucky to still be surrounded by my amazing husband, family and friends, who have always been honest with me and pushed me to seek help when I have needed it.
Depression affects everyone differently. Depression affects people you would never have thought it would. Depression can make people feel so wretched that they do terrible things, give up hope, break our hearts.
Speak out. Ask for help. Know that others have been there before and others will be there in the future – we can get through this, together.
Joanna Braunold 